TOMLIN'S CRIB: 2009

Happy New Year Everyone! Now this is some funny shit ...

Yeah, this may be an older clip, but its truly universal and a timeless piece. There's no words that can describe my disappointment in the Steelers right now. NONE! There's absolutely no excuse for such a cataclysmic failure being one year removed from a Super Bowl. Major changes better happen! I don't want lip service and I certainly don't want sound bites from Tomlin!

Yo Mike? .. What the hell brotha? What's with the bullshit movie lines? If I want movie lines I'll go to the fucking movie! You feel'in me Mike?

Play them off Donnie Paton!

The 2009-2010 season marks the final year of Pittsburgh Penguins hockey at Mellon Arena. In honor of the final season, this video pays tribute to the players, coaches, fans and memorable moments.

The FINAL home opener at Mellon Arena this Friday. Man, the memories.

Enjoy! ...

Ba-freaking-Nana's!

The Pens got their Stan Cup rings on Tuesday night at a special dinner in their honor. I thought you might want to check out their new bling.

That is one damn good looking ring!

This is about the only humor I got from yesterday's loss. (click link)

Ok, so that game sucked!

After sifting through the rubble of yesterday's debacle and some of the comments I've seen on various message boards, two very specific themes have emerged.

1) Lack of enthusiasm, no real juice, from players, coaches, etc. The team just had a very FLAT vibe to it from whistle to whistle.

Sure, some will want to blame Skippy Reed's 2 missed field goals, but there were other contributing factors going on. Not sure what to make of this or what the root cause may have been, but these cats better effing get it together and take it out on the Bungals next week.

Personally, I think Skippy needs his magic party hair back!

2) Lack of, or extremely confusing game plan by Bruce Arians. I mean, what was the game plan? Was it to establish the run? Was it to establish the pass? Was it to play conservative? Was it to exploit the Bears weaknesses?

I'll be perfectly honest, I have no effing clue! It seemed like there was a lack of committment to ANYTHING. It appeared to have a "Bingo" mentality to it; a random shuffing of the plays and whatever ball came to the top of the chute, Arians called the play that was written on it.

Congrats to da Bears on making fewer mistakes and pulling out the win! Their fans were gracious in victory, but I still can't stand emo Jay Cutler.

On a final note, somebody call U.S. Air and ask them if they forgot to load the "no huddle" with the equipment ... because it never arrived in Chicago!

Remember this 1977 Everready commercial? (Christ I'm dating myself)

This attitude is EXACTLY why I think the Steelers open a can of "whoop ass" on da' Bears this week.

I think the Steelers knew they played sloppy and left a hell of a lot of plays on the field last week in thier nationally televised opener. If you re-watched the game, you can clearly see the mental errors and execution breakdowns. I feel both the O-line and our RB's feel like they have something to prove and people to silence. I also feel our vaunted defense feels slighted by the media for not getting pressure on Collins and registering only a single sack.

While some are predicting a close game, I'm not one of them.

Steelers - 30

Da Bears - 17

China Jack weighing in on his week #2 predictions around the NFL.

Looks like Shaq made good on his promise to allow Ben to wear his NBA Championship Ring. I'm not sure how you feel about the whole "Shaq vs." TV show thing, but to me ... it screamed of the "cheese" factor! The whole production of it has this low grade "Pro's vs. Joe's" vibe to it that I just couldn't get beyond. I think the most entertaining part was watching Ben and Shaq shoot hoops in his driveway.

That's right baby, it's almost that time folks, STEELER FOOTBALL IS BACK!

and that can only mean one thing, it's time for some classic "coach speak" from the man himself, Coach T ... Here's what Coach T had to say about this weeks pre-season matchup with the Arizona Cards.

On what is described as an absolutely gorgeous weekend on the nostalgic and rustic campus of St. Vincent College, the 6 time Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers took the field this Saturday and Sunday to set about the task of defending their title and earning a seventh. As always, the morning session was closed to the public, but the afternoon session was open for fans to get their first glimpse of their gridiron heroes since the uber-dramatic finish to Super Bowl XLIII. And boy, did they turn out. There were easily 5,000 fans jammed along the hillsides and grandstands

I absolutely loved this guy's shirt. I don't think I've seen this one before.

Yes, Steely McBeam is in Latrobe as well. Am I the only one that sees this guy as the deathly frightening nightmarish pedophile who breaks into your home in your dreams, quietly creeps up the stairs, sneaks into your bedroom, and bludgeons you with a sledge hammer until your body is lifeless and no longer moving? ... then continues this maniacal rampage on the rest of your family before you wake up from this dream?

yeah .... you're right, it's probably just me. ;)

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few weeks ... sue me, it's the off-season. Seriously, other than celebs dying and ex-pro athletes getting a 9MM clip unloaded into them while they're sleeping, there really hasn't been much going on so I'm just enjoying my summer by swimming at the pool and going to kick-ass 4th of July barbeques at the parents house back in the burgh. I figured if you wanted news on any of this other shit going on in the world, you have just about every television station and internet blog in the world to get your daily dose of depression.

Want to step back into a time that made Steeler Nation what it is today? Check this video out of Franco's Italian Army. This video really captures the unfettered affection that Pittsburgh Steelers fans and the players shared for each other and fed off of. The Italian Army gang captured the ethnicity of Pittsburgh and the surrounding area of Western PA and epitomized the "family" feeling Steeler fans share regardless of where they are in the world. There's no question in my mind that the Steeler 70's just wouldn't have been the same without these pioneers in addition to the color and atmosphere added by our own beloved Myron Cope. -- Enjoy!

RIP Michael Jackson.

Man, I don't even know what to say. I feel like I just got sucker punched and had half of my childhood taken away. This caught me totally off guard today. I knew Farrah Fawcett wasn't going to make it through the day and her death was somewhat expected, but to lose the largest pop icon of my era today at such a young age .... I'm speechless. This is the equivalent of Elvis dying for my generation.

Christ, I need a drink.

God Bless you Michael (and Farrah). May you rest in peace. You were one hell of an entertainer and your dance moves and music videos shaped an entire generation.

Sid Crosby was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of the cup still danced in his head,
And sis on her fur coat, and the Steelers $5.6 mil under the cap,
Had just settled down for a long summers's nap.

When out by the pool there arose such a clatter,
I sprang off of sis to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open shutters and threw up the sash.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But Lord Stanley's Cup .. at a house party with beer!

As much as I'd love to continue the Pens love on Tomlin's Crib, it's time to shift gears and get down to the business of football. Training camp at St. Vincents College in old Latrobe is just around the corner so I thought I'd post the practice schedule for those of you who are considering making the pilgrimage out to the holy land.

Steelers players report to training camp July 31, and the first open practice is Aug. 1. The last open practice is on Aug. 20, and the team breaks camp on Aug. 21.

From Aug. 1 to Aug. 20, the Steelers will have afternoon practices open to the public with the following exceptions:

•Aug. 7 -- night practice scheduled for 7 p.m. at Latrobe High School
•Aug. 12 -- practice closed to public; no access to campus
•Aug. 13 -- preseason game - Steelers Vs. Cardinals 8 p.m.
•Aug. 14 -- no practice; off-day

Afternoon workouts generally run from 2:55 p.m. to 5 p.m. at St. Vincent College in Latrobe, PA. The campus opens to the public at 1:30 p.m. when there is a 2:55 practice only. Other times vary and are to be announced.

**Bad weather could cause practice to be canceled without notice. The practice schedule is subject to change without notice.

Directions: For directions to St. Vincent College, Click Here.

Compliments of WPXI

So I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Wow, it's been a hell of a week for Pittsburgh Pens fans, I wonder if they have finally calmed down and gone back to going about their daily lives?" ...

ANSWER: Hell no! ...We're busy having parades drawing 375K Penguins fans and getting ass tattoos!

Let's be honest, there's something incredibly attractive about a chick that is this committed to the team. If you stop and think about it, there's a hidden winning game strategy there ... skating near the crease! LOL, sorry ... couldn't resist. I'm guessing if you flip her over that would be .... crashing the net? (insert cymbal crash ... that's right, that's right ... I'm here all week ladies and gentleman!)

Shout out to Deadspin for the Pens ass pic.

So how are Pens fans feeling just 24 hours after winning the Stanley Cup?

Oh, about this good . . .

The City of Champions is BACK!

If it wasn't bad enough that most of the people from Detroit have been advised that their jobs are gone in a few weeks, this is sure to send them over the edge. I'm sure if you owned a depression clinic, business is BOOMING today!

To sit back and think about what they just pulled off leaves me speechless.

Pretty damn amazing!

From one generation ....

.....to the next

Flowers played one hell of a game #7 ...

Bring it home boys .... bring it home!

Let's make history tonight ...

China Jack lay's down some wisdom ....

So the Steelers received their Super Bowl XLIII rings in a private ceremony yesterday evening just prior to many of the Steeler players jumping into their cars and speeding over to the igloo just in time to watch the Pens game #6 victory over the Wings. The ring is big, real big. No, I'm talking Texas belt buckle gaudy BIG. Big to the extreme that it has even some of the Steelers players saying, "Daumn!"

While the latest Super Bowl rings size may not impress such urban bling king legends such as Flavor Flav who took wall clock necklaces to a whole 'nova level, its size alone is sure to turn some heads. How's this for a size comparison? This is Charlie Batch's ring from Super Bowl XL along side his latest jewelry addition.

In keeping with a long-held tradition of championship rings, is ghetto gaudy. In keeping with Steelers tradition, it is black and gold -- 14-karat gold (and all those diamonds) on a black background.

The face contains six large, brilliant-cut diamonds, one for each Super Bowl victory. There are seven other diamonds that represent the Steelers' seven conference championships and seven others below to add up to their 14 division titles in a football design.

The face includes a red, blue and yellow stone to resemble their hypocycloid logo. On one side of each ring are six Lombardi Trophies with the 27-23 score of their victory against Arizona in the Super Bowl. On the other is the ring owner's name, the Steelers helmet logo, the NFL logo and the player's number.

"This is the defining moment," Batch said, "to put an exclamation point on last season. It signifies everything we accomplished as a team last season."

Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley .... bring me the brandy!

1 game...1 cup... 1 team who knows the stakes.

You bet your ass we're showing up!

Pens in #7 .... BELIEVE!

Ok, so how hard did the Pens get dropped in game #5 against the Red Wings?

.... oh, about this hard.

I'm glad I was busy getting my beach party on at Kenny Chesney's Sun City Carnival concert at Heinz Field on Saturday to get too caught up in the misery. Hell of a concert by the way .... If you ever get a chance to see him, I would highly recommend it. 5 Bands for the price of 1 ! ... Even one of my Atlanta bands, Sugarland, was there with him this year! It was pretty cool to run into them a day later at the Pittsburgh airport too! Chesney concerts are an all day party reminiscent of how Jimmy Buffet tailgate parties used to be back in the day.

LET'S GO PENS!

You've got about 18 hours to get your shit together and regroup. Do or die time ...

Earlier this week, Benkovitz Seafoods dahn in the Strip District announced it was going to have a "Trash The Octopus" party before Game 3. They promised octopus whacked like a piñata, which is why Puck Daddy sent some of their people dahn there to check it out.

They did witness octopi shot into nets like hockey pucks which will be undoubtedly be the new rage sweeping the nation very soon!

Check out this clip. You gotta love Benkovitz'Seafoods policy on not selling octopus to pretty much anyone from the Midwest during the Stanley Cup Finals.

@ Yahoo! Video

The sleeping giant has awaken! The Pens tied the series 2-2 last night as Sid and Gino lead the Pens to a huge 4-2 win! (should have been 5-2, but the refs didn't think calling a penalty on Detriot when we had an open shot at an empty goal from 8 ft. away was the right call to make!) Far be it from me to bitch about because we won, right? ....

WRONG.

Game Notes:

Malkin's assist was his 35th point of these playoffs, the most anyone has gotten in the postseason since Wayne Gretzky of Los Angeles accumulated 40 in 1993.

"We won this one because we believe," forward Max Talbot said.

Now this is what I like to hear .... because I know another team that believed as well!

Pens win 4-2 baby! ~ Someone gimme a Hell Yeah!

This next pic is for my brother who was bitching about the Refs and the lack of penalty calling this series.

Ok, so I've got to admit, I feel somewhat better now that we're back at the Igloo and have our first win in the series under our belt. I'm still waiting for that big game from Sid and Malkin, let's hope and pray it comes on Thursday night so that we can even this bitch up and get on a roll! Seriously ... let's all pray together, shall we?

GO PENS!

I'm convinced that there is NOTHING likable about the Detroit Red Wings .... Nothing! Believe me when I say, "Hate" is not a strong enough word.

Damn it! In the midst of all this Pens hype and being pissed off of late as a result of going down 2 games to the Red Wings in the Stan Cup Finals, I totally dropped the ball on this and missed it!

I generally throw out birthday wishes each year to a few of my favorite artists during the week of their birthday, but for the first time in a few years I fucking missed Joe Cocker's Birthday! That's borderline sacrilegious I know, but at least it's not as bad as say ... missing Bob Dylan's birthday. Holy shit! I missed Bob's too! .... See, this job stress is killing me.

Anyhow, Happy Birthday Joe! I hope this video helps others finally understand what the fuck you're saying.

and Happy Birthday to you too Bob! Subterranean Homesick Blues
never gets old. As like most Dylan songs, they will live in infamy as Bob is still King as far as song writers are concerned. His lyrics are untouchable.

The Penguins could win the right to play for the Stanley Cup tonight, but it was brought to my attention from my pals over at Steeler Fury that Coach Cowher is scheduled to sound the Carolina Hurricanes' pregame "warning siren" at the RBC Center before Game 4 of the Eastern Conference finals at 7:30 p.m. The Penguins have a commanding 3-0 lead in the best-of-seven series.

Well, good luck with your little "warning siren" there Bill. With the Canes down 3 games, a "warning siren" is pretty apropo. I'm guessing it's the equivalent of the band playing "Nearer My God To Thee" on the deck of the Titanic as she sinks.

My friends at PGH put this up a week or so ago and I was intrigued by the nature of it, so I posted it. Here's a tip for some of you younger, more inexperienced fans who's testosterone levels improve with every 32 oz. Yuengling you chug. After crashing the glass in the penalty box and taking your first 15 rabbit punches to the face you will quickly realize that you are not invincible against a professional athlete. Honestly, it's probably a better idea to stay in the stands. Unless they come up into the stands to find you that is.

Happy Memorial Day to all ... and HUGE thank you to all of our service men and women out there at home and abroad who made the choice to serve our country over the many other self-serving things they could be doing with their time.

Sorry about the half-ass empty links at the top. I upgraded the page template for Tomlin's Crib to a 3 column format and decided I didn't like it, so I started moving a few things around and suddenly realized, "Wow, I really suck at HTML and am really fucking this thing up." So needless to say, I went back to a 2 column format slightly enhanced.

Not too much has been has been going on in the world of sports and entertainment this week. Well, other than the sensational play of the PENS of course. Sid "the kid" is playing "lights out" hockey right now and Gino ... wow, what can I say about Gino! The man is playing like it's a "him against the world" all-out assult on anyone who steps in his path. I'm diggin the playoffs, but I'll be honest. I'm not sure I'm a Versus fan. I miss me some Mike Lang and all his Lang'isms. There's nothing like hearing,"Get in the fast lane Grandma, the Bingo is about to start!" .. or "Call Arnold Slick from Turtle Crick!"

or these gems:

"Oh, buy Sam a drink and get his dog one too!"
"I'll never teach a pig to sing!"
"Michael Michael Motorcycle!"
"Oh Eddy Spaghetti!"
"She wants to sell my monkey!"
"He beat him like a rented mule!"
"Scratch my back with a hacksaw!"
"He didn't know whether to cry or wind his watch!"
"That's his first goal since the eighth grade picnic!"
"Get in the fast lane grandma, the bingo game is on a roll!"
"Ah you ain't nothin' but a hound dog"
"And ladies and gentlemen the kitchen is closed!" "Donna needs a doughnut!"

and lastly ...

"Oh Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley get me the brandy!"

I thought I'd close with some insane puck handling skills from Sid. Check out this insanity. Sid is on the ice just abusing Lemieux's son Austin in a little one-on-one:

Here's another that shows the control he has over the puck. Sick!

That's all I got. It's Memorial Day .. you should be outside doing something anyhow.

The son of Steelers linebacker James Harrison has been attacked by Harrison’s own dog, according to WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh. On-line stories being posted on the incident indicate that James love's him some pit bull as the family pet.

Per WTAE, Harrison’s son was transported to Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh with “severe” dog bite injuries. The injuries reportedly are not life threatening.

A Steelers spokesman told WTAE that the team is aware of the situation.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Harrison’s son for a full, complete, and rapid recovery.

Queue the Michael Vick jokes in 3, 2, 1 .....

I for one am tired of pitt bulls and thier rightous and apathetic owners who are quick to defend the animal saying, "It's all how you raise the animal" ... BULLSHIT! ... and PETA too, I almost forgot, I'm tired of them too .... Since it's Friday I say, "Fuck them all!"

Very nice words from the Commander in Chief to our World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers! ....I'll excuse the fact that he's a Bears fan because the Bears, like the Steelers, are a franchise rich in football history. I can respect that.

Fuck American Idol. No seriously, did any of you watch that season finale? I don't care if he is an EMO fag, why should anyone even care about that shit in this day and age? This was about singing. Adam Lambert was by far the more talented singer and should have won that competition hands down. The most entertaining event of the night had to be the Round #2 smackdown between Idol judge Kera Dioguardi and Bikini Girl.

The duet ended with Dioguardi totally blowing Bikini girl off the stage vocally, then closing the number by ripping her dress off to show America her own 38 years old buffed little package in a bikini! ... NICE!

Damn, who knew that bod was under those clothes all this time?

Ok, so enough with that. Can you tell we're officially in the slowest and most boring fucking stretch of the offseason? Yep, it's the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no fucking football on, and there won’t be any football on for quite some time unless you're that hard up to be watching retro throwback games on the NFL channel with the fucked up graphics that remind you of your 1st Tecmo Football game. You’re angry. You feel the anxiety eating you alive. You’re not pleasant to be around, sometimes even hateful. We understand. At Tomlin's Crib, we're here to take the edge off a little. No, we're not pushing pot or painkillers, but we do offer things like this, and this. And on occassion, maybe even a little bit of that.

We also have the Playoff Pens too! ... GO PENS! ... Better yet, in about 2 minutes we're about to take a 2 game lead on the Cains just as soon as these guys are done beating the shit out of each other.

I'm not just feeling Cup, I'm feeling more rings in Pittsburgh! Bring it home boys, bring it home.

China Jack's back once again with his interpretive re-enactment of the Game 7 win over the Caps. Pens opened the series with the Caroling Hurricanes last night with a 3-2 win.

LET'S GO PENS!

On another note, guess who appears to be a Hurricane fan as seen here cranking the siren?

and guess who's not?

Needless to say, we know who's cooler. I like our chances.

Because it's the last time you'll see him on ESPN's Monday Night Football.

Pardon the interruption while I inform you of the long awaited, much anticipated firing of Tony Kornheiser from the MNF broadcast booth. What's that you say? .... "What took them so long?" .... Well, I can only assume they needed to find just the right asshole that says things that annoy people and becomes a loud mouth personality that everyone hates, but they become a ratings grabber so ESPN excuses the assholish'ness. Ahhhh haaaa! ... found 'em.

I'm not going to rip Chucky too bad here because Kornheiser was that bad. Actually, this could be fun to watch play out. Let's see how long it takes for a player to get caught up in the moment and punch Gruden in the face for saying something he shouldn't have.

Perhaps "Chuck" can now force Al Michaels into retirement!

Many Steeler fans have wondered what Carson Palmer does in Cincinnati during the off season. Well, I finally found out. From his Bengals uniform during the NFL football season, straight to his black tights, cape, and Lucha Libre mask during the off-seaosn, Cornholio himself fights crime in the Queen City as the crime fighting super hero ...

"SHADOW HARE!"

According to Shadow Hare's myspace blog page, this 21 year old super hero has been busy lately giving all the drug peddling thugs of Cincitucky a "beat down" of epic proportions when he sees any injustice go down.

Jesus H. Christ ..... Even I'm at a loss for words here.

Fear not my fellow Steelers fans. The good city of Pittsburgh has a masked crusader of our own to fight the evil villans of the AFC North. Rumor has it that he goes by the name of Ben Mysterio Jr.

You can run, but you can't hide .. BR Mysterio will hunt you down and beat you like a rented mule!

Hilarious stuff, I had to post! A message for all grads to embrace. The sooner you accept reality, the better off you'll be.

A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2009
By Drew Magary
by way of Deadspin

This is Balls Deep with Drew Magary. Read him at KSK. Buy his book. Follow him at Twitter.

It's graduation time again. Last year, I penned a message to the outgoing class of 2008, a message you almost certainly forgot because there was a picture of Cassandra Lynn sitting at the top of the page. And seeing a photo of Cassandra Lynn is like getting a defibrillator to your penis. So we'd best make this a yearly ritual for you new seniors out there, just to keep things fresh in your little ADD-addled brains.

This is the time of year when every university out there spends a great deal of energy flying in celebrities to give grad speeches. And do you know WHY colleges do this? It isn't because these people they get are actually all that inspiring. No, the reason that Oprah Winfey, for example, was hired to speak at this year's Duke graduation was specifically so that the school's student body could brag to other non-Duke people that they had some famous diva vagina talk at their graduation. "Who spoke at your Brandeis graduation, Tiffany? Oh, congressman Edolphus Towns? That's nice. (stifles chuckle) BUT WE HAD A WOMAN SPEAK TO US BY THE NAME OF OPRAH. PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF HER. SHE IS MY CLOSEST BLACK FRIEND."

That's the reason there are celebrity graduation speakers: to boost the already healthy egos of the graduating class. It's strictly for name-dropping value. Oooh, you guys are so special, Fed Chairman Ben Barnanke wanted to give you a pep talk! This is bullshit. College grads don't deserve to be feted by celebrities, or honored, or lifted up with inspiring words. They deserve to be BROUGHT THE FUCK DOWN BY THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF REAL LIFE'S BITTER DISAPPOINTMENTS. They deserve a stern lecture from someone like me, who is NOT famous, NOT inspiring, and NOT attractive to look at.

I bet you grads had one hell of a spring, didn't you? Oh, I bet you spent your whole spring taking a miniscule courseload, lounging on blankets outside on the quad, fucking each other, drinking your gay little Twisted Teas... I bet you even smoked pot on Wednesday morning, just for the hell of it. I bet you just had the time of your fucking lives the past four years, didn't you?

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Guess what you little fuck-tards? Party's over. You're out of college now, and your parents are now too poor to nurse you through grad school. No more fantasy life for you. No more ice luges and binges. No more intellectual discourse. No more ripe teenage pussy. That's all over now. YOU ARE FUCKED. Your days will now consist of searching for a job in a marketplace where no available job of any sort fucking exists. Your commencement speaker will probably tell you your class "faces enormous challenges," or some bullshit euphemism like that. This is a lie. A challenge is something you can overcome. You, on the other hand, are completely, unavoidably fucked. You're not going to cure cancer. You're not going to stop wars. You're not going to save the planet. If you're lucky, you may stumble upon a $2 coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios one day. That will be about it.

Otherwise, you are entering a world that is running out of money, a world that will slowly choke itself to death unless it somehow stumbles upon a miraculously clean, cheap energy source that has yet to be invented and almost certainly never will be. Ten years from now, your degree will be 1/100th as useful as a fucking life vest. So wipe that nauseating smile off your faces and heed now this glimpse into your very near future…

Remember this: 95% of your future happiness will come from finding a good parking spot. You know that annoying Joni Mitchell song where she bitches and moans, "They paved paradise, put up a parking lot. OOOOOH BOP BOP BOP!" Suck it, you hairy-bushed twat. If it were up to me, there would be a 17-level parking garage on every other fucking block in this country. I swear to Christ, I spend the majority of my time every weekend stalking outgoing Trader Joe's customers in my Honda, watching them walk to their cars, then having them wave me off because they weren't actually getting out. HEY COCKTEASE, GIVE ME A FUCKING HEADS UP.

I promise you, when you reach my age, not only will you exult at finding a great parking spot, but you'll immediately tell the first person you see about having secured it. "Yeah, I got a GREAT spot! I didn't even have to wait! Usually, that lot is a NIGHTMARE. God, I feel fucking good!"

The greatest indicator of your future success in the business world will be your ability to lie. Your degree is worthless. The only thing that will determine your chances of getting ahead is a surefire way to convince your boss you weren't cc'ed on some email that told you to do something you never bothered to fucking do.

At some point, you will not be able to sleep in past 8 or 9AM, and this will piss you off. I used to be cool, very cool. I used to be able to sleep until noon no problem. I GOT UP, DID PUSH-UPS AND SIT UPS, AND SPAT RIGHT IN MORNING'S FUCKING EYE. No waking up at dawn for me. Waking up early is crazy fucked up. Am I right?

Except then I got a job, so I had to wake up early every day. Then, my body got used to waking up early every day, so it just woke the fuck right up at the same time on weekends, too. "But Body," I said to my big fat-ass body, "There's nothing to fucking do, and I wanna sleep more." But my body wouldn't have it. Then I got married. Then I had kids. And holy shit, do kids wake up early. Not only does my kid come storming into the room at 6AM, but he screams WAKE UP!! at the top of his lungs every damn time. Having a kid is just like having a really mean spinning instructor. They give no fucking quarter. They're like tiny little Hitlers.

Now, even if there are no kids around, I wake up at 7AM at the latest. This should be good for me, I suppose. I get to run out and experience the full day, or something. But I don't feel that way. I feel like a complete asshat for getting up that early. I feel lamer than shit. Which is completely irrational. Then again, most anything I think or do now is beyond explanation. So rest up, kids. Because soon you'll be chewing Ambien like they're fucking Bubbalicious.

The day you become old is the day you find yourself looking at a paint swatch book at Lowe's. Holy shit, that shade of blue is only .000001 degrees away from that shade of blue! You practically have to view them at the atomic level to know the fucking difference! How the fuck am I supposed to choose? Fun fact: any paint color you choose will end up looking like a radically different color once applied to your walls. Why? Because the people at Sherwin-Williams are pricks, that's why.

You will actually begin caring about stupid shit in the front section of the newspaper. I used to read USA Today in college which was great because it was like Cliff-Notes to everything going on in the world. I would read only two sections: Red and Purple. The green section was for boring assholes, and the front section was about a bunch of stupid political bullshit. I never cared about politics or world affairs when I was younger. College kids who care about politics are fucking douches. But suddenly, annoyingly serious shit like health care actually started to matter to me. And I don't like it one bit. I read an article in The Atlantic a while back. Voluntarily. I can't begin to tell you how annoyed I was at myself for this.

Don't get married just because there's a run on weddings with your circle of friends. Happens to every group of friends, particularly women friends. Someone gets married off in your little group, then a bunch of your friends do likewise. It's like a run on wide receivers in the late second round of your fantasy draft. Do not get swept up in this, I'm telling you. I had the good fortune of marrying someone I like because I waited until I was in my 30's, and no bullshit ... it's what keeps me sane every day. But Lord knows I've seen a fuckload of people out there get married just because it everyone else was doing it and they got all swept up in the idea of being married. There isn't a surer way to fuck yourself for life than by doing this.

The reason so many people get divorced now is because they don't take the time to figure out if they actually enjoy the company of the person they're fucking. Marriage can make life infinitely better, provided the person you choose to marry is as dedicated to your happiness as you are to their's. But if it's anything less than that, NEVER GET MARRIED. EVER. Or else your life will be a giant fucking rut. Guaranteed.

Mark my words, "Weekends will stop being fun". During weekdays, you get to sit at a desk and look at Keyboard Cat videos or read blogs.

During the weekend, you get to pull weeds, cut grass, install smoke detectors, fix an endless array of shit that keeps breaking, and feed screaming children. Guess which part of the week is more enjoyable? HAPPY MONDAY, FUCKO.

RENT. If you rent, you can call someone to fix shit if it breaks. FOR FREE. Is that worth not ending your life owning some old house your kid is just going to sell for pot money anyway? Fuck and yes.

You will get dumber every day from now on. You're done learning. Time to start forgetting shit! The other weekend I was sitting in the parking lot shuttle bus at the Baltimore airport, on my way to get my car after a flight, only to realize I had left my car keys at my parents' house, which was now 300 miles away. I then bit down on my own finger until I had broken the skin. I am retarded, and I am only getting worse. IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU.

Going out will stop being appealing to you. What? I have to put on pants? And pay $5 for a drink when I have 30 beers in the fridge? And talk to people? FUCK. THAT.

There is no point in raising your kids well, because other people's retard kids will end up ruining them anyway. You can teach your kid good manners. You can feed them nothing but organic dairy products milked from an angel's tit. You can read your kid 500 Sandra Boynton books every night. I promise you, none of it will matter. Because once your kid goes to school, some spoiled sack of shit kid with horrible parents will teach your kid the word "pussyfart," get them hooked on straight Whoppers, and immediately undo every good thing you did. Trust me. Other people can't parent for JACK SHIT.

If you have more than three kids, you are an asshole. What the fuck are you trying to prove with more than three kids? Kids siphon up precious food and water, produce oceans of shit-ridden waste, and give American parents large tax breaks most of them really don't deserve. If you have more than three kids, and really even two, you deserve to have your have your uterus filled with sand.

You will find yourself, at times, tired of drinking. But you will continue drinking anyway. Beats the alternative, which is NOT drinking.

You will begin mailing in EVERYTHING. At some point, you will become so inundated with shit to do, that you will do ALL of it half-assed, because that's really the only way it'll all get done. Look at this column. It's nothing but a bunch of fucking bullet points. Really, I'd like to put more effort into everything I do. But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!

Never put sauce on top of pasta. You're a grownup now. Make (or heat) the sauce in a separate pan, add a bit of the pasta water to it, drain the pasta a minute early, and then finish cooking the pasta in the sauce. That's how they make it taste good in restaurants. Do it and your date will put out.

The key to a decent existence is owning a good bed. Most of your future life will be consumed with addressing reams and reams of tedious bullshit. You'll have to work. You'll have to run errands. You'll have to clean shit and pick shit up. Your only salvation is that fucking bed at the end of the day. So make sure it kicks ass in every conceivable way. Get it all: the pillowtop mattress, the egg crate, the featherbed underneath, the nice comforter on top… ALL THAT SHIT. No day is ever that horrible if you have a sultan's rest awaiting you. You'll still wake up at 6AM involuntarily. But at least you'll still be nice and cozy when you do.

Got all that, graduates? Feel ready to go out and change the world now? No? Good. Because the world changes on its own terms, without your fucking input, thank you very much. The only thing you can do is adjust.

Remember This: the world has been around a whole lot longer than you have, and it has a limitless arsenal of ways to DESTROY YOUR FUCKING SELF-IMPORTANT AND OVERCONFIDENT EGO. So don't go out there thinking your going to impact it in any kind of meaningful way. You'll be here a little longer, then you'll die, then shit'll move on without you. Don't like it, Pollyanna? Tough fucking shit.

Look on the bright side. At least when you die, you'll finally be able to sleep in again. Until then, here's your picture of "INGA" to enjoy. Welcome to the real life jungle known as REALITY.

Guess what? ... It really does bite.

File this under the "You've got to be shitting me" category. Now I can get down with some Big Ben's Barbecue Sauce on my ribs, or occasionally even some Big Ben's Beef Jerky when I have the need to chew on a dried up stick of rawhide textured cow ass cured in salt, but I've got to draw the line when Ben starts pimping automobiles.

In the perpetual quest to sell the excess inventory of large, expensive, manly, amped up testosterone generating trucks that get 2 telephone poles to the gallon (during a recession mind you), It looks like the brilliant marketing minds at Cochran Automotive, a giant auto dealership in Pittsburgh, are offering a special edition Ben Roethlisberger model truck. The 2008 Ben Roethlisberger GMC Sierra, is available exclusively at their GMC showrooms in Monroeville and Robinson.

The Big Ben Package Includes: Corsa Sport Exhaust, Chrome Door Handles, Chrome Mirror Caps, Chrome Grille, GM Bedliner, Tonneau Cover, Bugshield & Vent Shades, Custom Ben Roethlisberger Graphics, and Chrome 6" Side Steps.

Sure, you may go broke driving this gas pig around, but look on the bright side, the chicks may dig you! .... but then again, they may not. Showing up in this while holding part-time job at Primanti Brothers may just add to your legacy as an self-absorbed idiot who want's desperately to be accepted by the cool kids who have always laughed at you ... not with you.

Buyer Beware: Just remember to think twice about driving this black beauty down to Heinz Field for the big game on Sunday. If Ben has a really bad day and throws 4 picks and totally blows the game, there's probably a pretty good chance that you'll have a fresh set of limited edition "Big Ben" key marks going across the door and down the quarter panel.

Stop what you're doing everyone. The Cincinnati Bengals rallied the media yesterday and cut into local TV programming to say they have "an announcement regarding a major development for 2009 pre-season" according to their press release. Wow, a "major development" ... Now I don't know about you, but when I think of the word "MAJOR", I'm thinking BIG .... like real BIG. Even bigger than this ...

The Press Conference yeterday indicated this announcement will be made today (Thursday) at high-noon, and coach Marvin Lewis will be among the speakers.

So I checked into the Cincinnati Enquirer today to see what this groundswell of excitement is all about, and I was extremely disappointed to find out that it isn’t something that major at all. In fact, I thought the Bengals teaming up with HBO to do a show titled "Hard Knocks" was a form of humorous irony. Considering some of the questionable "bad boy" characters the Bungals seem to attract under Lewis, perhps COPS will want to team up with they'll team up with them.

Acknowledgements:
nflgridirongab.com
profootballtalk.com

PENS WIN GAME #7 !!

In a thumping of epic proportions, the Pens came out and opened a 6-2 can of

on the Russians .... ugh, I mean the Wash Caps.

It's time to pay a visit to an old friend. Let's see if I remember what he looks like ...

Ahhhhh, yes. Hello old friend ..... May I call you Stan?

Just look at him . . . a man of the people. Front row behind the glass during the Pens vs. Caps series at the Igloo, and now living large in the swankey Lexus Club seats at PNC Park gettin his Bucco's baseball on. All in one week ... proving once again that all the world is Mike Tomlin's Crib.

C'mon, who in the hell wouldn't want to be "like Mike?" This cat is living the dream!

Yes, it's none other than Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin who got more attention on TV last night than MelKeiper's 60's retro pompadour hair style at a stylist convention. The Pirates snapped an 8 game losing streak against the St. Louis and I'm sure Tomlin sitting directly behind home plate heckling the hell out of the Cards had something to do with it(just kidding Coach T). But wouldn't it be funny if Tomlin was talking shit like, "Hey Albert (Pujols) ... If you even think of hitting this pitch I'll be sure Harrison and Woodley pay you a personal visit to show you how we play ball in Pittsburgh ... Steelers style!"

I highly doubt Tomlin was heckling or that he served as some good luck charm for the Pirates. I think Zach Duke's pitching probably had something more to do with it.

Note: Tomlin, unlike almost every other person who sits in that section, did not once during the game pull out a cell phone and alert a friend or family member that he was visible on TV. He also appeared more emotionally invested in the game from the front row than John Russell did from the dugout.

Credit: BugsandCranks

According to PFT, Larry Foote's vocabulary is expanding quickly in his new role in Detroit.

As most of you know, ex-Steelers LB Larry Foote spent his entire NFL career as a Steeler. During that time, he helped us win a couple of rings which we will always be grateful for his contributions.

But last week, proof that Foote doesn't always make the best decisions, Foote got his wish and was released from the Steelers in order to avoid his inevitable benching — due to the presence of 2007 first-rounder Lawrence "the machine" Timmons.

Bitter Sweet Departure

While Foote will now get to play his hometown team, the Detroit Lions, the bad news is that .... well, they're the Detroit Lions who happen to play in the cesspool of America .... Not only does Detroit Suck ... the entire city is now broke and in bankruptcy.

And, apart from the obvious differences between the the two silver trophies in four years and the zero wins in 2008 (holy shit is he in for a culture shock!), Foote has already noticed a major distinction.

“There are a lot of curse words going on here,” Foote recently told WDFN in Detroit (via Mlive.com). “I think I heard more f-bombs in one day than I have in five years.”

It’s more than the words.

“It’s a lot different from Pittsburgh,” Foote said. “I don’t know if it was the new coaches or the new staff, but it was military style yesterday. Pittsburgh is a little bit more laid back.”

Laid back in Pittsburgh works for us. And it works well. Tomlin knows what buttons to push, when to push them, and to whom the buttons need pushing.

Whatever the Lions have been doing hasn’t worked. For, like, 50 years. Mr. Foote, all I can say to you brother is, "Good luck, the ground has definately shifted beneath you and you may want to invest in a good book on Change Management. "Who Moved My Cheese" is an oldie but a goody. .... Just say'in.

This skit was on SNL last night and I had to post it. Talk about being "waaaay over the top!" ... Listen to the lyrics. It's a song about 2 friends swapping (and doing) each others mother as a gift to their mom's on Mother's Day. Post your comments and let me know what you think. It's causing a lot of controversy already.

On another note, Happy Mother's Day to all our moms out there!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

PENS WIN GAME #5 IN OT! .... Bulllll yaaaaaa Baby! Time to bring it home in game #6 on Monday night with a 3-2 series lead. Let's see what China Jack has to say about the big Pens victory. You go Jack .... get your drink on and give 'em hell!

The NFL passed a new rule this offseason that has been dubbed the "Hines Ward Rule." According to the NFL the rule is aimed at increasing player safety by making it illegal for a player to use his helmet, shoulder or forearm in an effort to block opposing players in the back or side. The Pittsburgh Tribune Review spoke with Hines Ward yesterday about the rule and Ward is adamant that he will not change the way he plays even though he is flattered that a rule is taking his namesake.

Translation: watch out AFC North, "The beatings will continue"

Man, I can't wait until the season starts!

Earlier this year, Jerome "Bus" Bettis celebrated his 37th birthday at Club Pure at Cesar's Palace. As a gift, he received a personalized bottle of Jose Cuervo Platino Tequila with pictures of his playing days on the box. And I must say, that is a mighty fine box of tequila. I'm sure a few 'Yinzers like meself would pay a little jack to get our "drinks on" with the #36 round mound of pound himself.

Also present was former teammate (and tequilla connoisseur) Hines Ward. I'm sure they exchanged wonderful stories about who has the better vintage cognac stash back at the crib!

Bettis DOES have a thing for tequila, as he gave away Super Bowl tickets on behalf of Cuervo last year. The man is consistent, as we Steelers fans can attest.
I wouldn't look for the Bam Morris "crack pipe" anytime soon.

This is Mark Rodenhauser, LONG-SNAPPER EXTRAORDINAIRE, who played 12 seasons in the NFL for the Bears, Vikings, Chargers, Lions, Panthers, Steelers and the Seahawks. I don't care who you are, you've got to be impressed with this guys skills when you watch this. In this video, he shows off the kind of success required at very narrow tasks to be a long-snapper in the NFL (talk about a dream job!). He says he hits half-court shots with 30 percent accuracy, then pulls off a full-courter just to make you feel bad. It’s kind of nice to see a huge football player who’s also such a massive, yet endearing dork about what he does. In other news, his explosive diarrhea can bridge continental divides.

In our perpetual efforts to mock and humiliate our AFC North rivals and their respective fans and cities, we bring to you this beauty.

So let it be said that the Cleveland Board of Travel and Tourism wan't real happy with the first tourism video that was turned in. I think they felt it wasn't projecting the true vibe of the city and wouldn't stimulate home sales in the area as they had hoped for.

In fact, I had heard that upon viewing it, three of the board members moved far, far away. The Remaining board members insisted that a second Clevaland Tourism video be made, so without further adue:

Shhhh, I've got a little secret for Browns fans that doesn't exactly scream, "Cleveland Rocks!"

Thursday, December 31, 2009

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